My new work computer runs on Windows Vista Business. It’s fine. It’s really not as bad as they made it out to be (other than the 5 million problems i’ve had with it this month) but it does have a few features that i hate.

1. Asking for permission to do everything. Sometimes it asks you to continue 3-4 times whenever you try and install or change something. In my mind, double-clicking on an icon or hitting “install” implies permission. Maybe that’s just me.

2. The absolute stupidest thing i’ve ever seen a computer do…. when i plug my speakers into the computer a notice pops up that says “You just plugged in speakers.” When i unplug the speakers…yup, you guessed it….”You just unplugged speakers.” REALLY?!? NO SHIT?!?

STUPID

The problem with blogs is that you can post something and if you don’t update often, your bad mood or bad day can last a long time to the people who stop by and read it. Thanks for everyone’s concern. I’m fine now.

I took a bunch of women’s studies classes in college (great way to meet the ladies, FYI) and one of the seemingly constant themes in those classes was the portrayal of women in the media. I feel like it has gotten better recently, or maybe we’re just more aware of it now, but the airbrushing, the impossible standards, the stereotypical roles that are repeated over and over no doubt have a serious and often detrimental impact on women in our society… Now i’m not trying to take anything away from those portrayals by any means. But i’ve started to notice some stereotypes of men in commercials…men constantly portrayed as the dopey father/husband who is uncool and hopeless without the help of his adoring, patronizing wife or the cool kid “Chad” versus the dorks in the Altel commercials. Have you noticed any other ones? What, if any, is the impact of these portrayals on men?

My friend Jason is deaf and posted these amazing videos recently of a sign language interpreter signing two popular songs…it’s not enough just to sign the words, the intrepter has to try and describe the sound and the beat with his body language (often, deaf people can feel the vibrations of the beat as well). If you know me, you know how much i love music, and you may also know that i studied sign language in college. I don’t pretend to know as much as i used to but these videos make me happy in a way that kind of surprised me. To know that people who can’t hear are still able to appreciate the music we take for granted…enjoy.

I’m sitting in my awesome, new and private office, surrounded by smart and creative co-workers, with the backup of a company that has been in business for 40 years and is in the top 1% of its industry. A company with mad pull and respect in the arena of what we do. I am exactly where i’ve always thought i wanted to be professionally. All i need to do is work hard and everything else will follow. I have no excuses, nobody to blame failure on, there are no roadblocks — perceived or real — to me becoming as successful here as i want to. I am working at a top-notch, state-of-the-art company that has it completely figured out. So what am i doing?

I’m having a panic attack. Literally frozen. I am writing this post in the hopes that i can drain some of this poison out of me. To clear my mind so i can get back to doing something that will get me somewhere. I’m listening to Death Cab – This Place is a Prison and it couldn’t be more appropriate.

I try and talk to people about this and absolutely nobody knows how it feels. You can’t know what it’s like if you don’t experience it personally. My mind goes blank but races at the same time. The anxiety of knowing you’re supposed to be doing something but not being able to know or start doing whatever it is might be the worst feeling ever. It sounds so weak and so silly. Feeling sorry for myself or looking for sympathy about something that absolutely nobody else gets is the ultimate excersize in futility. I envy productive people. People with priorities. People with organizational skills. People with that innate inner sense of knowing what they’re supposed to be doing at all times or the ability to put aside “what they really want to be doing” in exchange for “what they have to do.” I’ve never had that. Ever.