Maxim hasn’t been relevant since i was 17 and AOL was still charging me by the hour to look at porn on a dial-up connection, but they’ve released their Hot 100 list this week and apparently Britney “Trainwreck” Spears is #19 beating out the likes of Cameron Diaz, Penelope Cruz and Mandy Moore (those ignorant bastards!). WTF?!?
These pictures, courtesy of WWTDD.com, were taken 2 days ago and show Britney looking pregnant, smoking and picking her wedgie…now i know what i think is hot (sorry Kel..haha), and that just isn’t it.
Filed under: Phoenix, Stupidity Disease, britney spears, drinking, iowa caucus, more fucking stupidity, rise up
It’s raining in Phoenix this morning so everyone is driving like they have Stupidity Disease. It took me 45 minutes to drive the 13 miles to work this morning…some people will run the PF Chang’s Half-Marathon almost that fast this Sunday.
I was going to write my half-marathon playlist this week because i was planning on running it with my brother and dad. Dad dropped out a few weeks ago because he has to fly to Florida for my grandfathers 90th birthday (a justifiable excuse). I dropped out when i sprained my ankle hiking the day after christmas but i’m still unsure if i will go or not. I’m definitely not running it, but i paid $75 non-refundable dollars for it so i’m thinking i’ll just strap my headphones on, wrap my ankle and go for a 3-hour walk. Haven’t decided yet. Either way, i’m disappointed.
Last night, at dinner with my grandma, my sister regaled us all with the harrowing details of Britney Spears’ drama from last Thursday night…when she was done, i smugly asked her who won the Iowa Caucus. She had no idea and my 13-year old cousin asked, “What’s a caucus?” I weep for the future.
I am writing this blog primarily to avoid cold calling. I have reached the point in my business where i need a few new clients in order to grow but it appears that i would rather starve than pick up the phone and talk to people who don’t want to hear from me. I HATE being cold-called, so i really hate turning around and doing it right back to people.
I drove to Las Vegas on Saturday and didn’t gamble one dollar or have one drink…i didn’t think that i’d ever write that sentence in my entire life.
I’d like to know how you scientifically quantify the amount of clothing females are wearing to parties over a period of time. College students are sometimes drunk and slutty…we get it…why don’t you assholes go cure cancer or something that could actually help? The researcher in this story fully admits that they started going to more theme parties because they saw more of the result they were looking for. Now, i’m not well-versed in the scientific process or anything, but i’m pretty sure that makes it a biased study. Sometimes, the drunken sluttiness was the only thing that kept me enrolled in college…
And as if it couldn’t get any dumber…really? Drinking games get you drunk? No shit. These “researchers” need to get laid. Maybe they should try going to a party instead of researching one.
Lot’s of money going into Downtown Phoenix these days…i think i’m more interested in the less corporate things happening…
The 25 minute drive to work each day drives me insane…these people are batshit insane.
I don’t know what movie i was watching this weekend (i recently cancelled my $30 a month movie tier in lieu of $17 a month Netflix..wahoo), but there was a line about courage…i’m paraphrasing but it was basically about how people wrongly think you need to have courage before you do something you thought you couldn’t do, when really, the courage comes after. That being said, i’m off to do some cold calling.
The women of the Spears family must be the most fertile people on earth. And the mother’s parenting book (which probably doesn’t have an entire chapter on condom use) is currently on hold. Gee, ya think?
Thanks to Erin for these 2 awesome videos.
The power of music:
I want this set up in the worst way:
This kills me:
Flip Yo Fitted
Filed under: Vick, britney spears, environment, light rail, quickie, the office | Tags: britney, environment, friday morning quickie, kfed, stupidity, traffic, Vick
Since “Soundtrack Stories” really hasn’t come to fruition yet and i’ve been craving a set post, i’ve decided that i’m creating a Friday morning post called Friday Morning Quickie. Here’s why:
1. I’m usually either really hungover or still drunk at this point. That serves 2 purposes: I don’t want to do work, and i’m still thinking of random funny drunken shit.
2. Everyone likes slacking off and reading blog posts on Fridays instead of working (right? i mean, that’s what i do, so i’m assuming everyone does. Is that a fallacy of reasoning? I say, yes.)
3. Lately i’ve been posting some heavy shit and i feel the need to balance it by posting some seriously superficial and random shit. That’s what you can expect here.
Also, i have to give credit to Dan Shanoff (a very talented writer and sports blogger) for this style. Check him out.
And as always, these are the thoughts and ideas that kept me out of the really good schools. (and sent me here.)
We talk alot about the environment in this blog community so here are some thoughts on that subject. Instead of changing the world, how about some common sense? Here’s what i mean:
- What produces more pollution? A Hummer that gets 8 mpg but gets on the freeway, goes 75 mph, gets to where it’s going in 15 minutes and shuts its engine off? Or a Prius that gets stuck in traffic for 45 minutes?
- What helps the air quality in Phoenix more? An HOV (carpool) lane on the 101 that approx. 18 people will use or just another regular lane that relieves congestion and helps people get where they’re going and turn their cars off faster?
- And while we’re on the HOV lane topic, how much pollution is caused by the thousands of semis, bulldozers, diggers, pavers, work trucks, etc. — not to mention the increase in traffic during construction – it takes to build the stupid fucking lane? Enough that the opening of this lane will counteract the damage already done? I think not.
- My mom recently told me that a Phoenix think tank (I have no idea which one, nor do i have any concrete evidence of this being true, but my mom said it. Would you argue with her? I wouldn’t.) recently reached the conclusion that the new Phoenix light rail will actually do nothing to relieve traffic or pollution here because, aside from nobody ever using it, the train will run on the street and stop traffic when it is running. Those cars sitting and waiting for the train to pass will cause more pollution just sitting there than the cars of the people riding the train will alleviate.
- Ethanol — the love child of the ”green” movement — causes more damage to the environment than gasoline. You can produce ethanol using a lot of different plants and vegetation material, but in typical U.S. fashion, we’ve let the Corn Lobby (and there is such a thing. Believe me, i was surprised too.) decide that we’re using corn and corn only to produce it. Corn is one of the most environmentally harsh vegetables to mass produce (Get it? Produce? Corn? Damnit, that’s a double pun! You didn’t think of it.). It takes more pesticides, more water and more land to produce than almost any other vegetable. We’re damaging the ground water, screwing with natural water tables, polluting rivers and streams, damaging delicate rural ecosystems and only using the actual corn, instead of using the stalk and the leaves like we could. Leave it to humans, we’ll fuck up anything that had good intentions.
More thoughts on driving:
- I saw a fuel truck rear-end a Hummer H2 this morning. IRRONNNYYYY. I think they were trying to achieve something along these lines:
- Don’t you love it when some punk ass kid in a fast car (read: me) races through traffic at 85-95 mph, weaves like Evander Holyfield in a boxing ring (or just simply walking…for those of you who don’t know that, the guy can’t really walk straight or talk because he’s been punched in the head so much…i digress), cuts people off, passes you in the exit lane and generally drives like an asshole and yet ends up getting stuck at the same stop light as you 5 minutes later? Boy is that embarrasing.
- This morning at 9:30, i was in dead stop traffic on the 101 north. Not stop and go, DEAD STOP. The reason? A construction truck, working on the aforementioned HOV lane, was driving down the fast lane, with the “Merge Right” arrows on, going 25 mph and making everyone go around it BUT DOING ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING! Just out for a drive, no purpose that i could acertain, but stopping traffic entirely all the same. Genius.
Other random, superficial thoughts:
- We shouldn’t worry about Britney Spears’ kids as much as we do. First off, there are a lot of kids with worse problems. Second, there are a ton of mothers who love booze, drugs, pork rinds and not wearing underwear a lot more than their own children and we don’t worry about them nearly as much as Sean Preston and Billy Bob, or whatever the fuck the other one’s name is… Third, these kids DNA and genetic makeup came from Britney Spears and Kevin fucking Federline. They were fucked in the womb. Let it go.
- Speaking of K-Fed, there are two people who were previously just destroyed in the media as being complete jokes as human beings, K-Fed and Marcus Vick. Recent events (Britney and dog fighting, respectively) have caused them to both look like geniuses/suitable fathers. This blows my mind.
- Is it funny that when i spell check this post, the word “blog” isn’t recognized? I think so.
- I’m absolutely in love with Pam Beesely from The Office. She’s the fictional girlfriend i’ve always wanted. And she’s quickly gaining on Mandy Moore and Jeniffer Aniston in my Actresses That I Think Would Be Just Like The Characters They Play In Real Life list.
- Strippers are actually really cool people. Too bad they’re so expensive to get to know.
Nothing says spirituality and Godliness more than pasting an inspirational passage thanking people for their prayers OVER YOUR FRIGGIN NIPPLES!!!!
I’m pretty sure Britney isn’t in charge of her own photoshop, so she’s not responsible for this… although that’s pretty funny to imagine:
“Is dis one a dem newfangled ‘lectric boxes, like, a TV that i can type on ya’ll? Ya’ll serious? Shit damn yeah!!! Ya’ll get me some pork rinds while i work on this here internets fo a spell…”
But still, i can’t help but blame her anyway.
(click on it to read it. I couldn’t make it fit. Stupid internets and TVs i can type on.)
Now, i know a few things about photoshop, and they must have been working on a government super-computer to make this pig look good. Any decent computer would have done a Dell laptop impression and set itself on fire before it allowed this to happen.
(I like to live my life with equal doses of intelligence and superficiality. It keeps things fresh. Like swimming back and forth from the deep end to the shallow end.)
